Mourning

It started in the middle of May last year.
This year it was more like June 1st.
Does this mean it is getting easier?
It sure doesn't feel like it to us.

The range of emotions are still there and still strong for all three of us. We miss her just as much and as her birthday approaches, the pain seams more real, more consuming.

A few mornings ago, Dylan asks me if I still dream of his sister Cedie. Out loud, I gave a simple yes. I did not want to start the day off crying. To myself, I thought yes, the dreams are still there: The bittersweet dreams of things that could have been, what our lives would have been if she weren't so sick and how things would be like if she hadn't died; the nightmare re-plays of watching my daughter leave this world. A few minutes after my short answer and the ensuing silence, Dylan asks "are they good dreams or bad dreams?" He amazes me with his intuitiveness. I admitted that I have both. He gave a melancholy "me too." More silence... Then, probably to lighten the mood, he says "I had a good one last night." It was obvious that he needed to talk about her that morning so I did my best to encourage it, although my heart was breaking. He said that in his dream he and Cedie were climbing trees. She was really good, like him. She was all better and they were laughing a lot. When they were done, I made them some mac-n-cheese and we all ate together, all 4 of us, while we talked and laughed. I told him it was a beautiful dream.

Chris mentioned the other day that he still wants to do balloons and sing happy birthday to her. Dylan and I agreed. The unfairness of planning how to honor our daughter's birthday at the cemetary instead of planning a 3rd birthday bash with family and friends AND HER simultaneously breaks my heart and makes me angry.

I feel so broken sometimes. Cedie took a piece of my heart with her last breath. I know Chris and Dylan feel this way too which hurts even more because I can't ease that pain for them.